Holding the Self I Used to Be

For as long as I can remember, my mind has been somewhere else.

My attention was always either in the past or in the future. It just couldn't settle in the present.

As a child, playing games with everyone, I was often the one holding the group back, because I could never quite follow the rules. I also found it hard to truly belong to a group, including my own family. When others were talking about something, or doing something together, my mind would always drift, and so I often felt out of place.

At a party, for instance, with everyone chatting away happily, I would often feel like an alien. My body was there, but my mind had wandered off somewhere, who knows where.

But there were exceptions. With two or three friends I really clicked with, I was actually at ease. I could express myself freely, and truly be part of it. As long as they were the right people, the ones I clicked with.

I also found it hard to truly resonate with most people. Because connecting within a group needs everyone's attention to be right there, in the moment. But my mind was always drifting, never in the present, so people who didn't know me well would find me aloof, with a sense that I was hard to get close to.

These past two years, playing with my son, I slowly began to feel something.

It was the feeling of being fully in the present. It was wonderful. My whole self, full of life, so happy.

Only then did I understand. This is what it means to be fully, completely alive.

The truth is, it was my son who healed me.

He has always been his whole, complete self. He does what he feels like, and when he's happy, he's simply happy. Being with him every day, without even realizing it, I was carried back into the present.

It turns out that being a whole, complete person can affect others. That kind of happiness is contagious.

I used to always live inside my own head. But when I'm truly in the present, something amazing happens. I find I can see things clearly, the way they really are.

When a problem comes, I can face it honestly. I'm no longer so anxious, no longer afraid, no longer lost in my own frightening imaginings. The feeling is deeply grounding.

Thinking of all this, I want to turn back, and hold the self I used to be, the one who was so scattered and broken.

That girl who always drifted off, who felt out of place, who was hard to get close to. She wasn't bad. She just didn't yet know how to bring her heart back to the present.

And it's precisely because of all this that I now treasure, even more, every single minute, every second, of the present.

Because now I know, this is what it means to truly be alive. And being your whole, complete self is so full, and so full of joy.

— Marie, Founder of Lyfairs